The Secret Life of Zack & Cody - The Secret Life on Deck
by Crescent Moon Dancer
Summary: How much do Bailey and Cody love each other? Will Zack really end up behind bars? If London is too stupid to live, why hasn't she drowned in a glass of water yet? How could Maya resist Zacks charms for so long? There's more to our favorite Suite Life characters than meets the eye. This is a look inside, at who they really are.
1. London

My name is London Tipton, and I am not what you think I am.

All my friends - well, most my friends - see me as a selfish, spoiled little rich girl who can't even spell 'mints'. They think that I only care about two things: myself and shopping. They write off any rare flashes of brilliance as 'just a fluke,' and credit any bouts of generosity as the upbringing Mr. Moseby gave me. They assume that I was born a stupid rich girl, will live my life as a stupid rich girl, and will die a stupid rich girl.

That is exactly what I want them to think.

If they knew the truth, then they would be living in deadly danger, as would I. If they knew who I really am, I would have to kill them myself, just to keep them quiet.

Who am I?

I am a spy.

Nobody ever questions where my father gets his money. They take it for granted that he owns a chain of five-star hotels all across the globe; they take it for granted that he owns a line of luxury cruise ships, not to mention countless small, seemingly insignificant islands, (and half of New Zealand.)

Well, Daddy does own all that. (Yes, even part of N.Z.) That _is_ where he - and I - get a great deal of our money. It is true that I shop a lot, and yes, it is true that my weekly allowance is about the same amount that the president of the United States makes in a year - but hey, the facade of "spoiled daughter of multi-trillionaire" is an expensive one to keep up!

But what no one knows is that he only gets a fraction of his income from such enterprises. His real business is directing a spy organization, and I am his number one undercover agent.

Think about it. Why would a man who owns eighteen mansions, twenty seven high-class beach houses, and three castles make his favorite daughter grow up in a hotel, raised by the manager? A man that rich doesn't really have much to do, he can hire people to tie his shoes, for Pete's sake! Why would he abandon his daughter at a hotel for someone else to take care of?

Simple. It's one of the easiest ways to track people. You get a steady flow of traffic through hotels, and as the owner's daughter, no one thinks it's suspicious when I demand to see the hotel register. Ever since I was old enough to know that Daddy was the big boss of a secret spy organization, I have been passing him information from the safety of the Boston Tipton, and I've had a hand in the disposal of quite a number of enemies.

Again, think about it. Even as rich as I am, do you really think I could just "get rid of people" that I don't like? Of course not. Every single person who has disappeared - everyone who has given me a bad perm, or any girl that's been rude to me, or anyone who's blown smoke in my face at a party - they were all agents of opposing forces. It's our code, you see. Daddy gets a phone call from his spoiled daughter, demanding that he "get rid of so-and-so for such-and-such a petty reason," and he knows that I've found another one, and promptly dispatches an undercover team to capture them. It's really the easiest thing in the world.

You know my web show, "Yay Me! Starring London Tipton"? Simply another way to keep in contact with and pass information to my father. People think I started it just because I was jealous of my "best friend" Portia Tenenbaum, who also had her own web show. As a matter of fact, I _did_ get the idea from her, and once again, nobody questioned the real motives of vain, envious little London. Even Portia suspects nothing.

Oh, remember my friend Chelsea Brimmer? The oh-so-sensitive Pisces who took over Cody's producer job on "Yay Me! Starring London Tipton" when he quit? She's my partner. It's true that her father is in prison for not paying taxes, but that's just his cover. He passes information to her from inside prison, she passes it to me, and I send it back to Daddy. It's a flawless system, and nobody would ever know that Chelsea is a cyborg. (Remember her nose job? She had super-special spy technology installed when she got it. Don't even ask what got installed when I had my ears done.)

There was a specific reason that Daddy put me on the S.S. Tipton, and it wasn't to keep me from "jetting off to Paris for lunch and missing my afternoon classes". I was on the trail of someone Daddy suspected of being an assassin in the employment of one of our enemies. Turns out, she really was just a schoolteacher with terrible luck keeping a boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends, people think it's perfectly normal, the way I never go steady with a guy. I keep getting crushes and falling in love with this, that, and the other young fellow that crosses my path. The truth is, I'm investigating them. (Not in the way regular girls "investigate" guys - ew!) No, I _literally_ investigate them. I never hook up with a boy unless I suspect them of being an opposing operative, and once I've found out what I need to know, I dump them. Or give them an excuse to dump me, whichever happens to be easiest. The only young guy I ever actually had feelings for was Todd St. Mark, and he is the only outsider who knows my secret. Not even Mr. Moseby knows who and what I really am.

Sometimes it hurts to know how many people I'm lying to - Moseby, Maddie, Bailey, Zack, Cody, Carey...pretty much everyone. But I can't change that. I can't let them know - any of them. Not even the man who raised me.

My entire life outside of the organization is a mask, a facade, a lie. And nobody I actually care about can know that. Because that's who I am.

London Tipton, top secret undercover agent.


	2. Woody

My name is Woody Fink, and I am not what you think I am.

Everyone knows me as the tubby, food-loving, gross, incredibly thick guy who hangs out with the Martin twins and Bailey. But that's not who I am. Not really.

Well, alright, so I am a bit chubby, and I _do_ love food. But that's not all there is to me. As a matter of fact, my real name isn't even Woody Fink.

A few years ago, I was witness to a murder - a _big time_ murder. My entire family was placed in the WPP, (Witness Protection Program,) and relocated to Cleveland, Ohio, and I was put on the S.S. Tipton with my new identity.

Unfortunately, my new identity came with a new personality, one that makes making new friends rather difficult. It could be argued that Zack is still my only friend, seeing as I tend to gross out Cody and the girls. It's not easy, trying to be someone I'm not, but it's sadly necessary - at least, until I get tired of breathing. Maybe, with time, I'll slip into this role as if that's who I've always been.

I only wish that day would come sooner.

That doesn't mean I _like_ to be known as the fat, stupid, sensitive wimp with bad hair who farts classic rock - far from it. But I can't help suspecting that I'd be happier if I were more comfortable with who I've been forced to become.

...That's kind of a no-brainer-statement, isn't it?

Aha! Maybe I _am_ starting to fall into the role of Woody Fink! That would be great - although there still remains the problem that I don't care for Mexican food. Never have. And unfortunately, I now have to pretend that I love it. I have to pretend that I love _all_ food, when I really have quite the discerning - and discriminating - palate.

I have to pretend a lot of stuff, actually, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of the only truth in my life being that I like Zack and am in love with Addison.

Oh yeah. I totally just said that I'm in love with Addison.

I'm almost afraid to tell her, though. What if those murderers are still out there? What if they track me down and capture Addison to use against me? I hate living like this - walking on eggshells every day to make sure I don't slip up and reveal who I really am - who I really used to be, rather - going to sleep each night wondering if I'll wake up again... A man can't live like this his whole life!

Wait... That's it! I can grow up! Mature! Of course, it will take a while if I want to be convincing, but still...baby steps, you know, baby steps.

Maybe I can do this after all. Maybe I can keep this up just long enough to grow up. Yes, I know I can! I've fooled them all...lied to them all...this long, I can do it a bit longer.

Because that's who I am.

Woody Fink, first-rate actor in the WPP.


	3. Maya

My name is Maya Bennett, and I'm not what you think I am.

I'm not what anyone thinks I am. To the world - or the fraction of the world that's aboard the S.S. Tipton, anyway - I'm just another waitress. To my group of friends, I'm just another one of the gang. To Zack, I am the only girl in the world that matters. (At least, that's what he's said. I'm not sure I'm buying it.)

But the truth is, I am much, much more than that.

I'm a mafia hit-girl, and I was put aboard this cruise ship to kill the boy who loves me.

When I was given my assignment, I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to bump off Zachary Martin. His reputation is more considerable than one might suppose, and it's not entirely complimentary. He's got a good head for pranks and he's the best person at sniffing out trouble that I've ever met, but he's not exactly the brightest bulb in the pack.

I don't even know why it's so important to take him out. Very rarely am I told why I'm supposed to kill the people I'm sent after, but I never question my orders. Disobedience means taking their place, a position that I'm not too keen to fill. So I didn't think twice about my orders to sign up as a student at Seven Seas High and bump off the older Martin twin.

Alas, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. It meant nothing that he seemed to have a massive crush on me - I've killed people who proposed to me before - but he's never alone for a single, solitary second. If it wasn't his friend Woody or some girl keeping him company, it was his brother and/or Mr. Moseby, yelling at him for some childish heist or other. And sneaking into his cabin to kill him in his sleep wasn't an option, either, seeing as I still don't know where his cabin is.

But that's not all my problems. My main impediment now is that I've developed feelings for him, too.

This isn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to form attachments to anyone, _especially_ not my victims! I managed to stay impervious to his magnetism 'til we got trapped on London's shoe submarine; then things just started to...fall apart. There's something about Zack that plucks at my heart in a way that no other guy ever has.

I didn't even know I _had_ a heart 'til I met him.

What I do know is that there is no way in the world that I can kill Zack Martin. Not now. Not ever. Nor can I go back to the mafia - I'd be dead before you could say 'two-bit hit-girl'.

Fortunately, like all my - former - compatriots, I have a backup plan. Once we graduate from Seven Seas High, I'm moving to Africa - Sudan, or Chad, maybe - far, far away from the mafia and far, far away from Zachary.

I have to get away from him. I have to hide. I have to keep lying.

Because that's who I am.

Maya Bennett, mafia hit-girl.


	4. Cody

My name is Cody Martin, and I am not what you think I am.

I am not the smart, school-obsessed, nerdy wimp whose immune system would attack a muscle if ever I grew one that everyone thinks I am. I am much, much more than that.

In point of fact, I am an amateur jewel thief.

Yes, you read that correctly. Young Cody Martin, pride of every school he's ever attended, is a common criminal. But really, when you get down to it, it's not so shocking.

Think about it. Everyone knows that I obsess over schoolwork and education. They think my hobby is finding out everything about anything and anything about everything. They expect me to _know_ everything. Which is exactly why they don't get suspicious when I know all about famous thieves and robberies and such. It is true that I'm not physically big and strong, but that only enhances my image as a 'nerd' - which is the perfect cover for what I really am. Besides, in the words of Lex Luthor, "Mind over muscle".

Still think it's shocking? Allow me to take you on a trip down memory lane.

Remember that priceless necklace, the Kidney of the Sea, and how my brother was accused of stealing it? That was not, as you may think, merely an act of jealous revenge on Ashton's part. He was simply the tool I used to get my hands on the necklace. I knew I could never get away with stealing it personally, (if I got caught, Moseby would have me keelhauled,) but I needed it accessible - and what could be a more accessible place than the pocket of my own brother's shorts? (He _never_ collects his own dirty clothes to be sent to laundry.) It was the easiest thing in the world to convince Ashton to plant the necklace on him, and since everyone knows how rocky my relationship with Zack is, he didn't think twice about it.

That guy was all hair gel up top, I'm telling you.

That wasn't my only attempt at my chosen profession, either. Perchance you will recollect the affair of the Amulet of Aphrodite? How I accidentally bumped into the guy who was carrying it and mixed it up with the replica?

Uh huh. Precisely. It wasn't an accident at all. I deliberately caused the collision so I could get the real amulet for Bailey. I just hadn't counted on Milos discovering the so-called mistake.

Oh, remember the crown of Princess Zaria, and how furious I was that Zack was getting all the attention for finding it? I wasn't ticked that he was getting the fame, I was ticked because he found it. I was never after the fame and glory of finding a lost artifact, I was after the crown itself. (Once I saw how it possessed my dear Bailey, though, I kind of lost my enthusiasm for it.)

Even way back at the Boston Tipton, I had ambitions of becoming the most successful jewel thief ever. I was inspired by the Antwerp Diamond Heist of a couple of years prior, (imagine! All these years later and not a single one of those diamonds has _yet_ been recovered!) and when I found out that there were real jewel thieves in the hotel, I knew it was my chance. Zack and I found out who it was, and I decided to lay a trap for them - or should I say a double trap?

If you remember, it was my idea that we should lure them into London's vacant suite and catch them on film so we could show the police - leaving me free to palm the real jewels and lay the blame on the other hapless pair. Who in their wildest dreams would suspect twelve-year-old Cody Martin of stealing London's million-dollar jewelry, especially when there was a (semi)professional pair right on hand?

I could have gotten away with it if it weren't for Zack setting the trap that caught Muriel, who then fell on the other two thieves before they could get to the valuables. There was no chance of me getting away with them once that pair was locked up.

So, it is true that none of my attempts have succeeded, but after all, I am only a teenager. I haven't had much experience in the field yet, and I've still got years to hone my talents, not to mention a perfect cover to hide behind. I'm not going to give up 'til I've managed to pull off a heist and get away clean.

Because that's who I am.

Cody Martin, enterprising jewel thief.


End file.
